Sorry I missed church. I was busy practicing witchcraft & becoming a lesbian.
Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And just how may I fuck you over today?
Does this condom make me look fat?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Adults are just kids who owe money.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Damn tootin' I've been naughty! Now spank my evil butt!
Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Lick your forehead & I might let you be my friend.
This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
Meandering to a different drummer.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be eat in or take out?
Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
[ PRINT ]